what constitutes an asshole? image

I keep my eyes open, though it isn't really difficult to tell the assholes from the good guys. How can you tell if you or one of your friends is an asshole? Check out the list below. If you are guilty of any of the following, you are an asshole! 

  1. If you kidnap strangers, torture them and then decapitate them all in the name of Allah or any other religion, not only are you a fucking hypocrite...you are an asshole! 

  2. If you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you've always been a fan...you are an asshole!  

  3. If you get paid insane amounts of money to play a game and then beat up your fans for throwing something at you when you suck...you are an asshole! 

  4. If you sit in the smoking section and then complain loudly about the smoke...you are an asshole!

  5. If you make plans with your friend or date and then don't show up or even call...you are an asshole! 

  6. If you jerk off all over your friends' porno magazine and then give it back with the pages stuck together...you are an asshole!

  7. If you take up two parking spaces for one car...you are an asshole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)

  8. If you park in a handicapped space and you are not handicapped...you are an asshole!

  9. If you suddenly stop in the middle of a busy aisle/intersection/hallway and just stand there...you are an asshole!

  10. If you complain about the government, yet don't vote...you are an asshole!

  11. If you believe everything your government tells you...you are an asshole!

  12. If you believe Oliver Stone and spout out his theories everywhere you go...you are an asshole!

  13. If you eat a cat or dead baby (as reported on Yahoo) any other animal that is a pet and post a video of you murdering a cat and preparing it for a meal on your web site or on t.v....you are an asshole! 

  14. If you make decisions when you don't know shit about a subject...you are an asshole!

  15. If you think Nancy Reagan is a goddess and we should all just un-thinkingly say "no" to any question made to us...you are an asshole!

  16. If you would like to regulate the internet...you are an asshole!

  17. If you refuse to wait your turn and instead cut into line at every opportunity...you are an asshole!

  18. If you are a racist...you are an asshole!

  19. If you laugh at every single "Far Side" comic...you are an asshole! (some of them you will undoubtedly not understand and there are some that are just not funny)

  20. If you advocate censorship...you are an asshole!

  21. If you fart noisily and then laugh while pointing at your buddies...you are an asshole!

  22. If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers...you are an asshole!

  23. If you brag about how good your girlfriend is in bed and then get mad when your friends take her for a test spin...you are an asshole!

  24. If you are found laughing and when questioned why you are laughing you respond with some stupid answer like "private joke"...you are an asshole!

  25. If you get good service in a restaurant and yet don't tip...you are an asshole!

  26. If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don't read because you don't have time...you are an asshole!

  27. If your dick turns twenty different shades and is dripping thick fluids and you go out and fuck all the women you can just to pass it on...you are an asshole!

  28. If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars while stopped at a stop light...you are an asshole!

  29. If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery...you are an asshole!

  30. If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it...you are an asshole!

  31. If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether there is fog or not...you are an asshole!

  32. If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block traffic...you are an asshole!

  33. If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to win lots of games...you are an asshole!

  34. If you drive drunk...you are an asshole!

  35. If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got more money than them...you are an asshole!

  36. If you smoke in a non-smoking section...you are an asshole!

  37. If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair...you are an asshole!

  38. If you think welfare is an occupation...you are an asshole!

  39. If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less" express lane at the supermarket...you are an asshole!

  40. If you don't shower and stink and smell like shit...you are an asshole!

  41. If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds...you are an asshole!

  42. If you go to the crapper for over an hour and don't use an air freshener...you are an asshole!

  43. If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)...you are an asshole!

  44. If you drive in the center of the lane at 20 miles below the speed limit...you are an asshole!

  45. If you channel surf while others are trying to watch tv...you are an asshole!

  46. If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon...you are an asshole!

  47. If you drive around the city limits with your bright lights on all the time because "you be cool"...you are an asshole!

  48. If you drive without buckling up your kids...you are an asshole!

  49. If you visit someone's home and leave hair all over the soap...you are an asshole!

  50. If you call for a pizza, tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants...you are an asshole!

  51. If you put your makeup on while driving...you are an asshole!

  52. If you don't turn off your beeper during class...you are an asshole!

  53. If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green...you are an asshole!

  54. If you loudly entertain the whole bus with your boom box...you are an asshole!

  55. If you don't bother to update the links to your own homepage...you are an asshole!

  56. If you leave something floating in the bowl in a public restroom...you are an asshole!

  57. If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off...you are an asshole!

  58. If you piss all over the toilet seat in a public restroom and don't have the common courtesy to wipe it off...you are an asshole!

  59. If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can't hear you...you are an asshole!

  60. If you make a list of what constitutes an asshole...you are an asshole!

  61. If you wear a team jersey and know nothing about the team or sport...you are an asshole!

  62. If you hire someone and pay them minimum wage and then work them like a dog, flick them shit and ride their back every minute of every day...you are an asshole!

  63. If you trick others into drinking diarrhea mixed with milk by telling them it is chocolate milk...you are an asshole!

  64. If you complain about others that drive just like you...you are an asshole!

  65. If you pull up to a red light and wait for it to turn green before switching on your blinker...you are an asshole!

  66. If you put this list on your homepage and remove the copyright not only are you stealing and taking credit for something that is not yours but...you are an asshole!

  67. If you sign someone's guestbook telling him what an asshole he is, yet you are too chicken shit to reveal your name or e-mail address...you are an asshole!

  68. If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics...you are an asshole!

  69. If you write "U" instead of "you," or "sux" instead of "sucks," or "klik" instead of "click" or "kreative" instead of "creative"...you are an asshole!

  70. If you fart in bed then pull the covers over your girlfriends head...you are an asshole!  

  71. If you have a beautiful girlfriend you are proud of and constantly worry if she is cheating on you...you are an asshole!

  72. If you shove carrots up your ass while letting your woman beat off a dog...you are an asshole!

  73. If you get a girl pregnant and then never have anything to do with the baby that is yours...you are an asshole!

  74. If you fuck everything that comes along with no regard for your spouse...(you MAY be THE MAN, but)...)...you are an asshole!

  75. If you have a wonderful woman at home waiting for you and you are off screwing around...you are an asshole!

  76. If you leave your dogs and/or cats at home for the weekend without fresh food and water or anyone to care for them......you are an asshole!

  77. If you jerk off into an ice cube tray and serve the "ice" to visitors without them knowing...you are an asshole!

  78. If you complain that someone in the room really stinks, when it is really you...you are an asshole!

  79. If you take a two year old or under to an adult restaurant without concern for others' dining experience...you are an asshole!

  80. If you think only women should cook...you are an asshole!

  81. If you park your car so close to another that the driver can't even open his door to get in...you are an asshole!

  82. If you dump your girlfriend right in the middle of prom...you are an asshole!

  83. If you leave your trash at a fast food table...you are an asshole!

  84. If someone is sitting at a desk working and you put your leg up on the desk so your crotch is beside their head and then ask what they're doing...you are an asshole!

  85. If you believe that doing donuts and burnouts in a residential area at 4am on a weeknight is cool...you are an asshole!

  86. If you swear and yet don't know what it means...you are an asshole!

  87. If you wipe your nose all over someone's vagina and don't say, "thank you"...you are an asshole!

  88. If you are only interested in a girl so you can get laid and you get laid and dump her...you are an asshole!

  89. If you end a  relationship with a note left on the kitchen table for the girlfriend to read when she gets home from work...you are an asshole!

  90. If you sell drugs to kids, or pimp beer for kids...you are an asshole!

  91. If you talk on your cell phone at a hockey game to someone else AT THE SAME GAME...you are an asshole!

  92. If you piss on the seat, and THEN lift the lid so it looks like the person before you is the one who pissed on the seat...you are an asshole!

  93. If you go over to your friends house, and try and interfere with a conflict he or she is having with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, like you were there the whole time and you know exactly what is going on...you are an asshole!

  94. If you ask every oriental person you meet "do you know karate?"...you are an asshole!

  95. If you put white powder in an envelope and send it to public places...you are an asshole!

  96. If you say that you don't like gay people, but listen to artists such as Queen, Judas Priest, Elton John, Melissa Ethridge etc....You're an asshole!

  97. If you claim to be observant of your religion but you treat others like shit and constantly break religious laws...You're an asshole!

  98. If you talk shit about people without knowing the whole story...You're an asshole!

  99. When you are the boss and send out an email telling everyone in the office to show up on time and then stroll in 30 minutes late everyday and leave at 10 to five...you are an asshole!

  100. If you tell your girlfriend to make supper then go for beer and pizza with your buddies....you are an asshole!

  101. If you must slurp when you drink or eat with your mouth wide open...you are an asshole!

  102. If you hold people up in line at the store to pay for a one dollar pack of gum with a credit card...you are an asshole!

  103. If you write e-mails to your underpaid employees questioning how they spend their time at work and you golf 10 hours a week and go on 5 vacations a year.....you are an asshole!

  104. If you ask someone a question but don't listen to the answer...you are an asshole!

  105. If you constantly tell people to have an open mind about your religion because their religion is wrong...you are an asshole!

  106. If you use a gas station to cut off a Red light, and nearly run someone over in doing so...you are an asshole!

  107. If you have a roommate who takes pictures of his girlfriend naked and you "borrow" the negatives without him knowing, make copies for yourself, and then post the pics on the internet...you are an asshole!

  108. If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie theater...you are an asshole!

  109. If you bake a cake for your wife to take to work (without letting anyone know you jacked off in the batter)...you are an asshole!

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We understand you may be depressed to learn that you too are in fact an Asshole.  But lighten up!  We can't all be perfect.  Just change your ways and become a non-Asshole like the rest of us.

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